Who knew?

Life is complicated. So the same day I was released from the hospital after surgery #2 we had more family drama. In the middle of the night after my mom helped me get up to pee she had what I can only describe as seizures and ended up in the ER and a subsequent stay in the hospital. 

They ran a bunch of tests and determined that she wasn't eating right, drinking enough water and was under too much stress. No shit! I still struggle with that being able to cause seizures but I'm not the one with a medical degree. 

So we're all home now and my incredible husband is doing everything for all of his. He truly is amazing and I know I will never be able to express my gratitude for all he's done for our family. 

Today was supposed to be a nice relaxing day. A high school friend of mine who happens to be an orthopedic nurse was coming over to help me shower. I may never underestimate the power of clean hair again. She also helped me shower the night before surgery #2 but this time was different. She unwrapped my bandages and for the first time I was able to see my surgery scar. 

Honestly, much better than I expected. She says it looks exactly the way you want it to. No funky smells, drainage or redness. I'm super excited about that. 

After the shower I was completely drained and it hit me suddenly like a ton of bricks! Fortunately she's seen it before and was able to bring me back before I full on passed out. She's my hero! With her and Frank coaching me on I was able to shakily hop from the bathroom to the bedroom. It felt like hours and a half marathon but damnit I made it!! Nothing like the fear of being the wet, nekkid fat girl on the floor to keep you moving! 

Worst pain ever!!!!

So yesterday was surgery #2. Originally planned on them removing the external fixator and putting in places and acres to fix the knee. 

Surprisingly I woke up to this. The Dr mentioned there was a chance of needing another fixator if the knee was more complicated than expected. Well apparently I made this one of the worst injuries the Dr has seen. The surgery ran LONGER than expected but on the up side the Dr got everything fixed that he wanted to. I was HEAVILY loaded with pain killers and pretty much missed all of Friday. Last night and this morning as the nerve block started to wear off I'm in pain. Severe pain. Worst pain ever. I almost think it's worse because the first surgery was fairly easy to recover from but this feels impossible. It's going to take everything I have to get through this. I REALLY want to return to TX and somewhat normal life but I know I have at least one more surgery ahead of me and this recovery is going to be HARD and painful. I appreciate all the love and support I can get. 

Shit happens...

I'm in PA helping my mom after my father's death 3 months ago. I wanted to get pictures of some equipment that he put up in the loft so we could sell it. So I was using a Gorilla ladder and apparently I didn't have it locked in right. I had my left food on the first step and went to step on the second with my right and the ladder collapsed. My left leg got stuck between the first and second step, twisted and broke. I was able to lower myself to the concrete floor but apparently I stepped on my broken leg causing even more damage.

I saw/heard the knee break in the twisting and then when I stepped it shoved the tibia (lower leg bone) under the top leg bone. There are bone pieces from the tibia and the cartilage of the knee is a mess but they won't know how bad until the swelling goes down. 

This first surgery I had on Tuesday just got the big bones separated and back in line so the soft tissue in the knee can get better. Second surgery (maybe in a week) puts rods & pins to fix the broken tibia and the knee cartilage. So I'm stuck at my mom's house in PA with my 5 yr old. My husband had to make an emergency trip here. My mother is stressed dealing with the loss of my father and the insanity of this situation and her and my husband have a knack for pissing each other off. 

Fortunately at the hospital I was a rockstar and was able to get around with a walker WAY faster than I anticipated and my medical team has been thrilled with my strength and progress. I was even released yesterday. THANK GOD I started working out and taking care of my health back in August or I would be totally screwed now.

Well yesterday was THE hardest day of all. Transitioning from the hospital to mom's house when I was already tired sucked. My muscles were sore and my mind was weak. For the first time I had several moments of fear. Fear of falling. Fear of failure. Just plain frozen in fear. That's not me. I'm not used to being stuck in my head anymore. I was trapped in my head when I was struggling with depression. I can not go back!!! I can not let this defeat me!!! So with the help of my husband and somewhat my mom I figured it out. Frank reminded me that I work out. Marissa has trained me for this. I know how to use my muscles and move my body better than I ever have. Humbling. My successes are measured by the ability to stand from a seated position, walk (controlled hopping really) and go potty. I feel like a child. Grateful for the strength I have learned from my MIM family. Both physically and mentally. Ironically I now understand "the mind will quit long before the body gives out". I'm grateful for all the love and support I get from those near and far. It helps remind me I am not alone. 

The battle...

So my father died 3 weeks ago. We had a whirlwind trip up and back to take care of my mom and all the arrangements. Now we're home and everything is catching up with me. While I was there I was so focused on my mom and taking care of everything that I didn't think about myself and how I was feeling. Now I'm home and having a chance to process and I'm reminded of my past demons. At some point you forget that there is no cure for depression and anxiety. You think you never have to worry about it again but something traumatic happens and there you are standing on the edge of the cliff again. 

Fortunately I have an amazing support system and I'm stronger than I was in the past but I still have that fear of falling over the edge. I know I'll get through it but I'm sure there will be some scars along the way. 

E is no longer for evil!

Today is the day I conquered the evil scale! It no longer owns me. 

I may never weigh myself on this thing again, but knowing that I could if I want to is amazing! I let this thing control my mind. It was alway in the back of my head that I couldn't. Well that is no longer an obstacle. I can not and will not let it control me. I feel amazing!

While I have weighed less before, I have never been this healthy. This time is different. Before I went through the motions and had results but I always reached my goal and quit. It was a temporary situation. This is different. The way I approach food and exercise is different. I've had support in the past but not the amazing group of women I have now. I've eaten healthy before but again that was temporary and not realistic sustainable changes. I've exercised before but not with the strength, enjoyment and success that I have now. I'm not perfect. I do not pretend to be. I am accepting of my flaws and failures and no longer allow them to defeat me. This time my head is in the right place and I will succeed. 

Goals...

So here is my nemesis. The evil scale that I was too heavy for. 

It taunts me with the evil E for error. 

I had a personal challenge to lose 10lbs and 10 inches in a month. Well I didn't quite make 10lbs (thanks Aunt Flo) but I nailed the 10 inches! 

This brings my grand total of inches lost between 10/5 - 2/8 to 45 inches!!! That's Awesome right?!? Well I didn't appreciate it fully because I still had that E mocking me and the failure of missing the weight loss goal weighing heavy on my mind. It's HARD to get out of the dark corners of your mind and stay focused on the positive and the amazing progress I have made. Yes there will be a celebration when I hit 330 and that evil scale no longer mocks me with an E. Yes I will be thrilled to hit my prepregnancy weight. I will, however, also take the time to recognize the progress I have made and not stay so focused on the scale. 

6 months and counting...

So I've been working out and getting healthy for 6 months now. BEST DECISION EVER!!!!

This was me the weekend before I started my journey. Doesn't look or feel like me anymore and that's the best feeling ever!!!  I've changed inside and out, but most importantly I've changed the way I think. The way I think about food, fitness, my body and my health has all changed. I've eliminated as much negativity from my life as I can. I will not let others drag me down! This time it's for me. My health. My well being. I don't want to end up like SO much of my family...sick, overweight and hopeless. That's not me. So I get up everyday and make the choice to be a healthier me. Don't get me wrong, I'm FAR from perfect. I try to make good food choices but I never tell myself that something is forbidden. That's an automatic path to failure for me by making that forbidden thing that much more desirable. This way I'm in control. I choose to have some cake or BBQ or whatever and I choose how much to have. The beautiful part is the healthier I get the less I want these things. Heck on my birthday I got my favorite SLICE of cheesecake and it lasted for 3 days instead of a whole cake that sits around for a week. It's a process that I'll be dealing with for the rest of my life, but it's awesome to know I'm on the right path. So now for the numbers because what would the accountant in me be without numbers? I'm down 32 lbs and well over 41 inches. I've reduced my BP meds and eliminated one of my depression/anxiety meds. I'm stronger, have more stamina and feel AMAZING!

Would you believe I even finished my FIRST 5k? Hell I even RAN some of it. Yes..big girls can run!!! Who knew? LOL

I have an amazing husband and daughter that are incredibly supportive, but more importantly I have my MIM family. 

These women get it. They know the struggle. They are there at my side for workouts and beyond. I know that when I need them they are there for me. Some I've known for years and others only a few months but we are all in this together and we all want each other to succeed but we're also there for support through the tough times. I am forever grateful to have them by my side for this crazy journey. #teammishell